


Ugly Ever After

by Furud



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF), Shrek (Movies)
Genre: Awkward Romance, Dan is an ogre, Just as in real life really, M/M, Mentions of BTS - Freeform, Phil is a prince, Shrek AU, im just here to have fun, listen i dont even know, posted again because first time i didnt even knew where this was going
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-09
Updated: 2018-05-09
Packaged: 2019-05-04 08:56:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,099
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14589489
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Furud/pseuds/Furud
Summary: An ogre named Dan is set on a mission to rescue a prince, accompanied by a talking dog named Shi-B. Bisexual princes, a villain that just wants to find true love, lesbian dragons, magic mirrors, and Sir Sarah Michelle Gellar starring this absolute wreck of fantasy and love.





	1. Chapter 1

“Once upon a time, there was a king and a queen in a faraway kingdom. They had been very very sad for many years, since they couldn’t have children. They searched far and wide across the land for a cure, but found nothing. Until a fairy came to them, gifting them with a lovely sunflower seed, promising them that they would have an heir. The king and the queen kissed the seed and placed it in a pot, and the next day, a bright and beautiful sunflower had appeared with a lovely baby prince in the middle. The fairy asked for a payment, but the rulers, blinded by their excitement and happiness, forgot to give it to her. Furious, the fairy placed the most dreadful curse over the prince that caused him to…

“HAHAHAAH sex ed is important kids, don’t let anyone tell you that babies come from pots. What a load of…”

Dan talked out loud to himself while he was sitting on the bathroom, closing the book and throwing it out behind the toilet again. How that had ended up in his bathroom anyways? He hated fairy tales. Too rosy, too unbelievable; the princess gets the prince, everyone’s happy at the end, blah blah. The same old clichéd stories.   
One reads anything while constipated.

   
Dan was an ogre. Ish. He was one, tall, green skin, sausage fingers...but while he enjoyed some aspects of his race like the quality time on his own and the food binging behavior, he hated others, like the living outside or in caves. Outdoors or uncomfortable was definitely not his thing.   


So he had got himself a nice cottage, surrounded by a swamp. It prevented people from getting closer, and on the rare occasions a saleswitch or lost children with evil stepmothers wandered enough through the forest to end up knocking on his door he could just put the whole “I’m going to eat you” act, showed his scariest face and they would be gone quicker than saying Jack and the beanstalk.    


Of course, he didn’t actually eat humans or witches for that matter, that would be gross. His only shopping was done through a magic seashell to the local T∑SCΦ and a couple of silent and efficient fairies would deliver it to the door.

   
He had lived all his life with limited human interaction, but recently it had been more and more difficult to keep it that way as the urban sprawl has pushed the nearby towns more and more outwards to the forest and therefore to his beloved swamp, bringing loud, noisy humans and creatures closer. A total gentrification process.

   
As an example, today had started as a lovely day. He had waked up late as usual after marathoning Breaking Awful (the story of a wizard that turns bad after a debt and starts dealing with illegal potions) and had cereal as breakfast. So far so good. But the first bad sign came when he noticed he was low on medicine herbs. So now he had to go out and get them, walk all the way to the river where they grow.

   
Winter was getting closer and getting a cold without medicine herbs would be a disaster, he had lived through a couple of those and it wasn't nice, so groaning he set out to get the goddamn herbs. He had been walking for at least half an hour when he heard screams, and suddenly someone crashed against his back.   
He turned around to see a…very fluffy orange dog?

“Catch that dog!”   


The dog recovered from the hit and quickly scurried back behind him, and Dan stood there as a couple of guards approached slowing down as they saw him.   


“Hey you…ogre! Turn over that dog!” one of them said, pointing his spear to the dog   


Dan glanced behind him “Please don’t let them” begged the dog behind him, shaking a bit, which had...glitter on the cheeks? Dan shook his head

“Yeah? Why?” asked Dan turning around again and leaning over the man who looked up, intimidated   


“Because…erm…it’s orders from the Lord of this land?”   


Dan smiled “Do you want to get eaten? You are on the good way to achieve it” he said smiling with all his face getting what he knew was a really creepy face   


The guard looked behind him, only to find himself alone so he turned back with a scream and ran away, to Dan’s amusement. He just huffed and rolled his eyes. Typical, he thought trying to resume his way to the medicinal herbs.

“Oh that was just...magnificent” said the dog smiling and barking a couple of times excited. It hadn't leave, and now it was...talking to him apparently?

“Sure. Laters” muttered Dan weirded out, trying to move along

“No no you can’t leave! What if they come again?” asked the dog getting on his way.

Dan pushed it aside with his feet “That would be a shame. Not my problem. Bye” he said walking again when the dog just stood again in front of him, with what seemed to be his best puppy eyes

“Please! You don’t know how it is to be the only walking talking dog on this land! I get denied access everywhere! The stores! The record store! I can't even go to the concerts venues” it said dramatically getting their feet on Dan's leg as it got in two feet.

Dan didn't know a lot about anything really, but he was sure he hadn't seen a dog that talked and wanted to get into a concert. He looked at it just blinking.

“Can I at least, walk with you?” begged the dog at Dan’s silence

He stared at the dog for a second, watching it moving a fluffy tail “Fine. Just a little and then you go away okay?”

“Oh, thank you, thank you!” the dog barked a bit before coughing and shaking their head “Sorry. So, what it’s your name? I just want to know that, and then we can be in silence”

“Uh, Dan” 

“Nice to meet you, Dan. I’m Shi-B.” answered the dog proudly, making a short greeting bow to him.

“Whatever, Dj named dog. Now let’s appreciate nature’s greatest gift: The Silence” Dan said, finally moving along, with a happy dog following him.

He should have stayed home after all.


	2. Chapter 2

\---Technical issues. Please make sure your magic mirror is correctly installed and try again--

“Fuuuuuck” muttered Dan, not for the first time, as he stood up. His freaking magic mirror was acting up again. He only wanted to see Medieval Horror Story in peace, thank you very much.

He stood up, going to the mirror and tapping its side, waiting for it to compose itself somehow. It only made it worse though, because now it didn’t even show the letters, it was all just dots and lines blurring each other out. 

This shouldn’t definitely be happening. It was one of the newest models of magic mirrors, 23 inches of diameter and compatible with Netflicks. It took him 20 minutes to search through all his hut, until he remembered he had used the instruction manual as a support for one of the legs of the bed and then another 10 minutes trying to decipher the elves typography enough to read that any issue would be attended calling to the help line of the company.

He hated calling to help lines of products, everyone knew trolls attended those. Like, literal trolls, big ugly unhelpful creatures that wouldn’t fix anything as much as just making you explain your issue to tell you that they didn’t know how to fix that, but they would surely pass you onto someone that did. And that would happen at least 5 times.

After trying to fix it for at least another half an hour he finally gave up, taking out his clam shell (magic conch shells were _so_ out of fashion) and whistled the melody of the trolls help line, waiting until the awful wait music stopped playing.

“Thanks for calling the help line, at the moment there’s no one, please call again in a few…”

“Shit!” he almost screamed trying not to slam the clam shell, it was an expensive one.

“I can help, really, if you let me”

He turned around to see the dog he had encountered in the afternoon, it was just there looking through his window.

“Why are you still here? Go. Away” he said pissed, coming closer to his window. 

“Okay, sorry. I could go, but, I know how to fix your television” the dog said turning their face to the side, closing its eyes pretending to be offended, but the effect wasn’t realistic since they opened their eye a little to look at Dan

“Fine! Come here and fix it” he said going to the door, it was locked and barred from both sides. He didn’t had time for that thought, so using all his strength he took a couple of steps back and lunged against the door, breaking it.

The dog whined a bit "Careful! Jeez!" They said frowning as much as a dog could frown, taking a couple of dainty steps away.

"Haha what are you a girl dog or something?" Dan said snorting a bit.

"Yes? And why would you say that as if it is a bad thing?" Asked the dog stepping inside.

Dan rubbed his head "Oh...sorry I guess?" He said confused now.

"You don't really have a lot of social skills do you?" Asked the dog and Dan reached to tug her from the fur

"Oi! I'm letting you inside _my_ house so not one more of those comments is that clear? Absolute silence from now on. Good? Fine" he said dryly as he put her back into the floor.

The dog nodded "Fine, fine. I'm not feeling the love but I will give you time to stop being..." Dan eyed her "Nothing! Nothing nothing..." She said getting busy going behind his magic mirror to check the installation.

Dan dropped himself into his fine lizard skin couch rubbing the side of his head irritated. He would let the damn dog fix that and then he would give her a...bone? Wasn't that what dogs liked? And throw her out of his swamp. 

"So...what do you see in the mirror?" Came the small voice after a couple of seconds. Go figure, the dog couldn't keep herself quiet for a whole minute.

"Didn't I said something about Silence?" 

"Right! Right, got it"

"…"

"...But can you see concerts on it?"

"...Yes"

"...and could I see one?"

"Oh for fucking...yes! Yes you can! Happy?! But then you can go to your home okay?" He said exasperated by now. 

And that was how, thirty minutes later Dan was watching some elve boys doing a strange choreography and a very excited dog who was whining every time one of the pretty boys appeared on the mirror.

"Jimiiiiiiiiin!" 

"One more bark and I turn it off I swear to all swamp saints!"

"Sorry, sorry, it's just...he is so cool...they are all so cool!"

He rolled his eyes standing up going to his kitchen to get a glass of something with alcohol in it. He couldn't wait for the dog to finish seeing that shit so he could be again alone and see his own series, he thought glancing to the window when he saw...a swan staring at him right in the eyes.

He screamed falling back, hearing a squeak and a horrified gasp "He killed the Tooth fairy" he turned to the side and he saw a lot of tiny glowy ladies looking to...his butt?

He stood up looking down, one of them was all flattened down and coughing, a couple of them went to pick her up and took the...band thing? she had around her chest, putting it in a mouse with a tooth on his belt who took his hat in a respectful manner.

Dan could only blink at the strange scene when he heard a glass shattering sound and he turned to see a Nutcracker smashing what appeared to be a second glass from his pantry "Where are the nuts?" He screamed in a weird hollow voice.

"He doesn’t even go here!" Sounded a voice and he turned seeing a toad with black glasses and a hoodie who shrugged. That was the last straw.

"What are YOU ALL DOING HERE? GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!" He screamed as loud as he could, which was like, a lot


End file.
